Wow, it has been a while...

Haven't posted to this blog in ages! So much has happened. No time to post now as my 8 month old daughter just woke up from her nap (uh, yah, looooooong story). 

Has certainly been interesting to read where I was 3 years ago!

Maybe later...

Better Today

Wow, was yesterday a real downer.
I did work out, took my lunch, got in my 5 F&Vs and wrote in my journal but boy was my energy in the toilet.
Today I am better, woke up feeling energized even though I had busy brain during the night, worked out this morning and am now here at work ready to go.
Reflecting on yesterday, I think I sapped my own energy by worrying about my dematologist appt. I think this story of Susan Torres (lost brain function from undiagnosed melanoma while pregnant, kept on life support and just gave birth to a baby girl) - I think this must have gotten under my skin a bit, I let myself contemplate the worst for my dematologist appt (followups from my own in-situ melanoma) and guess what, she found something that she biopsied and sent away from tests. I guess I attracted into my life that which I was thinking about. I felt numb as I went out to meet Ryan in the lobby - I guess I just didn't really expect her to find anything - well that and just having watched my Dr dig a whole in my left breast (last time it was my lower back so I never actually saw what she did to me).
Anyway, enough of that, I am not contemplating that any longer - I am confident that the biopsy will come back normal! I am a healthy individual; I only choose to attract health, energy and vitality into my life and my body! This was simply a reminder (a) to go to the dermatologist every 6 months:) and (b) that I am what I think - so I better keep those thoughts positive!

--side note--
Wierd dream last night, Ryan and I and the dogs were out in the wilderness somewhere (but there was a highway nearby). I saw this really strange bird and as it got closer I realized it was a green jack russel terrier with wings - "a dog angel" I thought. In my dream I thought "I hope he isn't coming for Rags" and then "no, she has many many more years left on her contract".

Wierd.

Quickie

Posting, as promised.
This one will be a quickie and not very thought provoking as I have an 8:45 meeting to prepare for.
Worked out this morning - yay! Felt a little tired on the train though, think I need to go to bed earlier tonight.
Things are going well with coaching, I seem to be making progress with my clients - they seem to really be getting something out of our conversations. That is rewarding for me.
Well, off to prepare - sorry for such an uninspired post.

Lesson Learned

I did it, I got up at 4:30 AM and worked out this morning.
And you know what, this is the best day this week!!
I have my energy back, I have a more positive attitude, I don't feel lethargic and tired AND I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD MY COFFEE YET!

Reflections:
As I wrote about yesterday, I think I freaked myself out thinking I would go back to my old ways. As Wayne Dyer says, what you think about is what you attract into your life and low and behold that is exactly what happened. I started fretting about backtracking to the person I used to be and that is exactly what I did. I was tired, lethargic, not motivated to exercise or attend my class or walk my dogs or clean my house - I found myself sitting like a bump on a log waiting for my husband to get home. But, THAT IS NOT ME! I am a positive person who is full of energy, I am motivated to go after my dreams, I am active, I am happy, I am healthy AND I LIKE TO EXERCISE!

What else I learned. At work in this experience were quite a few touches of grace:
(1) Someone mentioned "monkey mind" which I had never heard of. Then I picked up this month's issue of "O" magazine and low and behold there is an entire article on "Monkey Mind" which is basically when we compare ourselves to others and either put our selves down or get very jealous (this is apparently the habit of some baboons and therefore they say is a trait left over in evolution). Anyway, was an interesting article and had great advice.
(2) I was listening to my Wayne Dyer speech on the way in to work yesterday and he speaks of the power of "intention" and that you attract into your life what you think about and say. So as he suggested I said "I intend to attract abundance into my life". Later in the afternoon I unexpectedly received a good sum of money along with praise for a job well done. It works!
(3) The thing that tripped this whole step off my path was the thought that I might want to loose 10 pounds (from seeing a picture of myself 7 years ago when I weighed 10 pounds less). In that same "O" magazine mentioned above this morning I find an article all about women who think they need to loose 10 pounds, why they feel they need to loose, if they really want to loose (ie do they really want to do what it takes and stick to it thereafter) or if they can just firm up. It was like they were talking to me. I realized I STILL don't want to diet AND I don't have to! I know what it takes to loose 10 pounds, but I don't want to deprive myself. Sure I could do it for a few weeks and get the weight off, but I don't want to live my life that way for eternity so I will just end up you-yoing and I know I don't want to do that AGAIN.

Final Outcome
(1) I will continue exercising because I like how it makes me feel and it will help firm up my body
(2) I will continue to eat intuitively
(3) I will add some more fruits and veggies into my diet (because admittedly I have been a little slack there) as it will be good for my health

I like this journaling - I think it works!

Afraid of obsession

I am here. At work. Journalling. I decided that I needed to pick a time to do it, daily, or I just won't do it. We shall see if I have enough to say, daily, to keep this up.

Today I want to explore my realization that I am afraid of my potential to become obsessive.
I have not exercised all week! Why? When I have been so consistent, 6 times a week, for the last 6 weeks! I realized that this weekend I saw a picture of myself from 1998 when I weighed 10 pounds less and it sparked in me to feeling of wanting to loose 10 pounds again and that in order to do so I really need to make some changes to my eating.
So you ask, why would you stop doing something that is only moving you towards that goal?
Good question.
Once I thought about it, I realized that I got scared. Scared that I would slip back into the diet mentality, the yo-yoing, the negative self-talk that I have worked so hard to overcome for the past 5 months.
I guess when I was just exercising because it felt good and not concentrating on dieting then I felt free and that I was exercising because it gives me energy and I feel good about myself. But once I thought about adding to that some diet changes (not a diet, but maybe replacing some sandwiches with salads for lunch) it scared me, it felt like my relationship with exercise was suddenly contaminated... and I lost my motivation.
I don't know yet how to overcome this, but I know that I felt a lot better the past 6 weeks than I have this week.
I have been feeling tired, lethargic, bloated, irritated.
I know I don't want to feel this way.
I know that I can feel energetic, alert, proud, committed, balanced.
I intend to feel energetic, alert, proud, committed, balanced.
I intend to feel energetic, alert, proud, committed, balanced.
I intend to feel energetic, alert, proud, committed, balanced.
I intend to feel energetic, alert, proud, committed, balanced.....

Just Being

Haven't posted in a week - but, better late than never!
Someone told me yesterday " You are a real deep person. You just got these fences up kind of hard to get around some times."
Interesting comment eh, true I would say.
My gut response was "I prefer to listen and help others rather than talk about myself".
But, then I thought a bit more and maybe there could be some self-confidence issue there too.
That may be a bit of it. But also, at this point in my life, I just don't have anything to complain about and that is what people want when they ask that question isn't it? What can I say when someone asks "what is going on in your life" other than "oh, not much, just getting to know myself" or "working on me". Then they invariably want to know more about what I am doing to "get to know myself" and you know what, I just don't feel the need to go into it.
On that note, I have determined that I need to come up with a line to answer these questions.
How about "Just enjoying life" or "Living" or maybe "Being"?
I was listening to Wayne Dyer speech "A spiritual solution to every problem" on the way home last night (after contemplating this) and he said "the minute you go into it and explain it, your ego is involved and you loose IT". Maybe that explains a bit of why I don't want to go into my journey.
It is precisely that MY journey, it is what it is, it doesn't need explaining.
It isn't even some huge change, it is just me, choosing to be open to and follow the path that is laid before me.
I think I like "I am being me", that one appeals to me, but might it elicit a lot of questions?
Who knows, maybe I will give it a try and see.

The sun will come out, tomorrow...and it did!

So yesterday ended up being, well a bit disappointing. Not the day, but more of people not living up to their commitments which in turn was not living up to my expectations.
But, I guess people don't have to live up to my expectations - we all only have to live up to our own expectations.
So then the key is getting those expectations in line.
I have been working on that myself, one of my expectations of myself that I am working on is:

To be honest with others at all times, even if a "little white lie" would be easier - because each time I tell a harmless white lie it steals a little piece of my integrity. I wouldn't say this has been a serious problem in my past, nothing more than the next person. Just a little exageration of how busy I have been when I don't get back to someone (which results in a over explanation) or saying that I "didn't receive the bill" when in fact I did, but lost it (back in my disorganized days). Those things aren't necessarily changing the course of the world but they do take a little piece of my peace so I say NO MORE.
I have been working on this for a few months now, when I see myself starting to go down that path I stop, turn around and tell it like it really is "I didn't make it to the post office for the past 3 weeks, but I will send your package tomorrow" or "I can't find the bill you sent, can you please send me another" or "I apologize for not getting back to you" - no over explanations.

Positives - I have an very nice sense of peace when I make the choice to tell the truth and not over explain, no matter how it reflects on me. The simplicity of it all just feels so light.

Drawbacks - Yes, I have seen a drawback to this practice and it is that I am becoming less tolorent of others making dishonest excuses. Yesterday I got annoyed with my house painter who didn't show up (and apparently wanted to not show up today either) when he tried to tell me it was because there was rain in the forecast both yesterday and today - at the exact moment I was looking at the forcast which shows full sun straight through to Sunday. Once I called him out on that, he came clean that the issue is that he has another client who is angry and wants them to get started so he has been over there this week. Had he just been honest in the first place I would have - well, I think I would have said fine, I understand, come on Friday. But when he started out trying to tell me something that was obviously untrue it was an insult to me and made me question his sincerity in other matters and therefore insist that he make progress today.

What I learn from the drawback - Well, if it annoyed me when the painter did it to me, I am happy not to be doing it to others!

So why is this post called "the sun will come out tomorrow". Because that is what my husband said to me last night when I was feeling mopey...and you know what, he was right, it has been a gorgeous day!